breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
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“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
This classic never gets old . . .
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Siri: Retweet me.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
It’s tough getting user casket reviews