breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
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Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Lassie, get help!
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?