Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.

Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop

Son: Why

[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]

Me: He’s a racist

My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.

If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?

I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.

Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’

Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’

Cashier: ‘Eh?’

Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.

this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person

cat: *slowly approaches new vase*

me: you don’t wanna do that

vase: *pushes cat off the table*

me: i warned you

Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did

2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un

1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:

This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

Cannibals don’t drink coffee.

They have a cup of Joe instead.

I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.

I’m the keen oat speaker.

*coughs*

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming

Matrix: Renovations

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete

Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.

Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”

Me: *Goes home*

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.

My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.

A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.

Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”

date: I come from a broken home

bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken