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Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?