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The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.