Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?

Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!

[At the job interview]

“Why did you leave your last job?”

“They took a vote.”

As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job

Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”

Do I laugh or….?

Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’

Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?

Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests

When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

I’m calling the cops.

The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.

All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.

Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.

At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.

Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.

*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*

My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.

I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.

I’m only up to Covid 15.

No Spoilers Please!

If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.

Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down

Me *reads the news out loud*

Spider *depressed* holy shit

I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.

[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”