Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.

If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.

Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.

“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”

My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.

Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.

I just want the sandwich he’s eating.

As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this

HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.

*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*

ME: I also have big news.

Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?

Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.

Shit: bowel movement

Sh t: vowel movement
i

DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.

#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

there has never been a better use of this meme

“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”

~ whiskey

The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours

My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.