@TonyWIVK

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.

Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.

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@_salt_n_lime

Netflix still asking if we’re there like we can leave the gd house.

@rachelaxler

it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.

@egg_dog

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

@HepatitisAtoZ

me: “it hurts when i pee”

doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”

@sickipediabot

My friend has got an excellent nose for wine.

It’s shaped like a corkscrew.

@jazmasta

[Chumbawumba concert]
🎶 I get knocked down, but I get up again.. 🎶
[whack-a-mole just goin nuts in the crowd]
“Aw hell yeah!”

@TurnpikeTony

“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York

@StevieKnip

[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]

@david8hughes

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

@wickedsuga

Boy giraffe: You wanna?

Girl giraffe: Ok, but kiss my neck first.

Boy giraffe: But Babe, we only have 3 hours!