BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
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Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”