BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.

Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.

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Netflix still asking if we’re there like we can leave the gd house.


it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.


facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once


me: “it hurts when i pee”

doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”


My friend has got an excellent nose for wine.

It’s shaped like a corkscrew.


[Chumbawumba concert]
🎶 I get knocked down, but I get up again.. 🎶
[whack-a-mole just goin nuts in the crowd]
“Aw hell yeah!”


“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York


[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]


[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it


Boy giraffe: You wanna?

Girl giraffe: Ok, but kiss my neck first.

Boy giraffe: But Babe, we only have 3 hours!