Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.

If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects

Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit

When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me

a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press

My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.

Should I tell him now or let him learn?

*school is cancelled indefinitely*

My kids: Mom, why are you crying?

Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.

He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.

I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold

Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍

[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*

Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.

Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.

insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly

Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit

My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.

10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU

ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]