BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
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There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
no exceptions
I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them