BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
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A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal