Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

Him: I hope I die first.

Her: Aww you can’t live without me?

Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.

I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.

If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.

there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”

Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?

ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter

11: so we’re poor

M: yes

E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.

“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit

deleting my mental health to focus on my social media

Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.

If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.

One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.

Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao

Me: what stopped you

It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.

*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.

Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?

Friend: You look different…younger…really great

Me: I had a little something done

Friend: *whispers* Face lift?

Me: Colonoscopy

The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.

The good news: you’re one of them.

me: what’s your favorite part of fall?

4: jumping in piles of leaves

me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?

4: money