Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.

When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.

😤😤

Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.

God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*

God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.

I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.

Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.

GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son

GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children

“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving

Me: fine but I get to do some now.

Wife: owl allow it.

Me: wait-what are you doing?

Wife: toucan play this game.

Me: I don’t like this.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult

This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister

Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap

Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.

Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.

My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.

#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺

When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year

Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?

Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.

“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”