BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
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Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
kitchen magnet
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.