BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
You Might Also Like
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.