Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
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Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
long lost
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”