Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…

Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same

Cop: I’m going in, cover me!

Me:*speed knits blanket*

Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year

Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers

[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]

Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*

Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready

throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.

Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?

Neighbor: Spartacus.

Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!

Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!

Neighbor:

Me: what’s your favorite number?

I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.

You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.

– Me, flirting.

Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

A friend helps you before you need it

What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?

motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…

The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit

An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.

warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face

Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.

I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though

[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]

Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?

Me: yeah

I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.

It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”

4: mom was i in your tummy?

me: yep!

4: who is in there now?

me: no one

4: then why is it so big?

husband: oh no

I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.

But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try