Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
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The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Check your privilege
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman