Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

“the hills are alive”

“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”

“with the sound of music”

“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”

Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.

If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”

Lie.

This is painfully accurate 😅

My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.

Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.

Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with

Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.

I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.

You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?

I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.

I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.

How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?

I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.

Important Valentine’s Day PSA:

Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.

Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.

What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?

As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”

MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT

“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.

Sunday, slutty Sunday.

Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork

My son: No thanks

I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.