Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!

And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:

If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.

[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”

I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform

I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1

Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?

Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.

Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!

My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter

The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.

WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe

guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”

[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”

Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?

Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.

“I want her skin.”

-Serial killers and teenage girls

Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost

New comic up. “Ransom”

Tonight I will make history!

Turns off incognito mode