Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.

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Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny


Them: So how did you two meet?

Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay


It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts


Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.


“Everyday I’m shoveling” – Canadians Theme Song.


[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat


Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers


Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”


I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.


[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet