Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
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Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.