@cat_whisperer_

Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.

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@BigJDubz

Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[Later]

Them: So how did you two meet?

Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay

@ln0217

It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts

@ilovepie84

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.

@filmbizpro

“Everyday I’m shoveling” – Canadians Theme Song.

@internetluke

[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat

@addyosmani

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

@pauldame

Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”

@ThisOneSayz

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

@Chumpstring

[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet