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Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
me refusing to leave twitter
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
This is I, Robot all over again
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
la cocaina
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I think they could have phrased this better
