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“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.