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charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
When you’re riding with someone and they tell you about all the wrecks they’ve been in…
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.