Breaking news:
You Might Also Like
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
New tinder profile pic
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Uh oh 👀
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.