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wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.