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[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.