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Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.