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I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead