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None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
I’m sorry…what?
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*