Breaking news:
You Might Also Like
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations