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Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!