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A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Europe. Made in Germany.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious