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I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Muppet Screams
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
6. me as a lawyer
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?