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@SondraDeeMe

[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion

@3sunzzz

I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.

@adamzopf

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

@Kirangandhi

I am learning from my mistake now. My son taught me maths today

@fro_vo

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

@thrill713

If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.

@NYC_Blonde

Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?

@anylaurie16

so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.

@TheWadest

Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.