ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
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I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I am learning from my mistake now. My son taught me maths today
I feel seen
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.