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Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
those birds must be on payroll
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.