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Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids