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When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
