Breaking news:
You Might Also Like
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
pizza
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.