Breaking news:
You Might Also Like
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
When you’re here for the treats.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Sounds like a real hoot.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.