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If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Spell check is for lasers.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments