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@truegritrumble

ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.

@drinksmcgee

When you wake up after a night of binge drinking and you can’t remember how you ended up in the situation you’re in.

@LHGarrett

PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]

@Book_Krazy

*Condom Co*

[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]

“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”

ME: Ribbit

“Genius”

@stats_canada

66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”

@Cpin42

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky

@debon7

I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke

@TheBoydP

I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.

@JennyBe03109525

Have to go out in public and wear pants..

Uuugh..need to shave my ankles again.

@ShawnaGofABPoli

I made the mistake of telling my husband an early symptom of COVID is loss of smell.

He’s taken to passing gas in my vicinity & then when I react, informing me he is helpfully “performing a health check”.

He taught the children the technique.

I may divorce him.