ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
M: We need new dishes.
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When you wake up after a night of binge drinking and you can’t remember how you ended up in the situation you’re in.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Have to go out in public and wear pants..
Uuugh..need to shave my ankles again.
I made the mistake of telling my husband an early symptom of COVID is loss of smell.
He’s taken to passing gas in my vicinity & then when I react, informing me he is helpfully “performing a health check”.
He taught the children the technique.
I may divorce him.