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Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.