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11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob
Me: Why?
11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes
𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.