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90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
making my dog give me my pills
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.