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Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
How to lose a drone in 10 minutes
-a memoir by my husband and 7yo
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.