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[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Ugh
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom