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…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
My favorite female superhero
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Brother?
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]