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@JohnLyonTweets

I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.

@Book_Krazy

Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.

Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*

Me: Dammit

@jonnysun

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember

@Thynebear

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.

@dafloydsta

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

@rivalpunks

In middle school, I had a crush on a kid named BJ. When you write Heather loves BJ on your notebooks, you make a lot of friends.

@simoncholland

Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.

@thepaulahunt

I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.