Breaking news:
You Might Also Like
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
i hope my email finds you on fire
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
March 16
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
