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As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
23. the denim jacket
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Just parrot things
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
True.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball