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[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
THE DOG😭😭💀