Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times

Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.

Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–

Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”

Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.

Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.

“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn

stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay

Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate

They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.

A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade

Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻

Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.

I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁

Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?

Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.

What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?

8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.

Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded

At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.

I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings

“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”

The honesty is refreshing

Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.

Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle

Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.

Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.

Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there

Really hoping this is Halloween related

ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!