Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.

FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.

[me talking to someone one year younger than me]

listen, kid…

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this

“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”

“OK, Daddy.”

[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming

– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.

I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me

Ya I miss me too

By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.

CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white

He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.

A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.

Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.

I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?

Going to the gym “naked” means without wearing headphones. I know this now.

My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.

rich people: i want to help

everyone: donate your money

rich people: if only there was something i could do

everyone: donate your money

rich people: some sort of gesture

everyone: donate. your. money.

rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!

I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.

who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies

*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.

so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.

Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.

Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun

Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.

most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers