Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter: she’s on to us

Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you

Twitter: I’m just an app

Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh

2019: Crowd surfing

2020: Channel surfing

[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

Him: I’d like to hear you scream.

Me: *screams like a banshee*

Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget

Whoa 😂

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah

happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician

Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.

Me: Okay. When will that be?

Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.

My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.

Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since

Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.

They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.

But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…

[at a fire sale]

Me: one fire, please

[Batman Begins]

BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think

ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce

The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad

Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them

A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.

I’m doing the lords work (judging)

8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.

Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.

Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?

5-year-old: A baby.

Woman: What kind of baby?

5-year-old: A human one.

Nailed it.

My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.

Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.

I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…

5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”

“It’s a moving truck.”

“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”

Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?