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My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.