Breaking news:
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*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Breaking news:
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes