Breaking news:
You Might Also Like
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”