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[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”
Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
How tf did it end up there?
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert