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I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
