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hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
no
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)