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@ericsshadow

My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?

@Harbinger_one

Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”

@AdamUrbane

If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.

@JohnLyonTweets

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

@dksc4life

ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic

@SoVeryBritish

Rain chat:

“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”

@RUAg4mer

I don’t always whoop.

But when i do.. there it is

@carboncaitlin

the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday

@fart

my dream job is to be the FBI guy who nicknames criminals. someone blew up a fish market? Tunabomber. easy.