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My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?


Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”


If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.


Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*


ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic


Rain chat:

“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”


I don’t always whoop.

But when i do.. there it is


the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday


my dream job is to be the FBI guy who nicknames criminals. someone blew up a fish market? Tunabomber. easy.