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Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Yes 😂
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
I cannot call her anything else now
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Had a rough week. Might get bangs later.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”