Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
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“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.