Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
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Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”