Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
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Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
found my next D&D character name
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
realest tweet ever.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?