BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
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[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
LMAO
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens