Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]

Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.

8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?

Me: Why, yes we are!

I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.

I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.

4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?

My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds

Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.

Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME

i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct

If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.

[at my funeral]

pastor: hey this casket is empty

me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries

How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot

My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.

You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought

Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.

In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house

you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.

If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q

The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…

Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.