Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.

[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]

I finally shaved my legs.

Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?

*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people

ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search

I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.

[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.

[MURDER TRIAL]

JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?

MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.

Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.

oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode

[taking out my Diva Cup]

Dracula: you gonna drink that?

-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?

A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls

Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”

This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet

A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.

I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen

If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.

People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how

If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

Caveman: I have discovered fire

Village: yayyyyy

Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff

Village: booooo

As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.

You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.

Surgeon: scalpel.

[patient hands him scalpel]

Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.