BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
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“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
The struggle is real.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
🤝
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.