Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.

Ways to get me naked:

1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist

Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking

I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.

It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.

My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

“Bear with me for a minute.”

– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.

I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.

Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.

I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot

When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”

Less bleeding is good for not being dead.

god: next up for 2020-

angel: crap, what now?

god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS

angel: i’ll get legal

Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit

I cheated on my exam by hiding all the answers in my head and accessing it throughout the test.

It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.

Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?

I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.

Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.

holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV

My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!

My bladder: Don’t listen to them.

Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.

“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”

“HR? You don’t have a job.”

“Tell them that.”

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos