BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
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2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.