Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.

I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat

Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…

The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying

That is some bullshit

Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.

🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!

[internet meet up, 1999]

Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.

[internet meet up, 2019]

Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.

ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]

WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?

“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.

turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi

How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow

me irl

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.

Parenting is hard, you guys.

The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion

[1st date]

date: …you said you had abs

me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

Welcome to your 40s.

If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war

THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed

Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.