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Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
This why you should mind your business
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.